I could never forget January 2019.
It was the end of our second posting.
I was part of a batch of Graduate Trainees at a reputable financial services company, and it was time for the third and final posting to the department of where we were to start our careers.
You could be posted to a rinky-dink department where you do strenuous, uninspiring work, and you vanish into the corporate abyss. Or you could be posted to a top-notch department where you travel out of the country regularly, host major clients at seven-star hotels, receive fat financial bonuses, and get promoted every year.
It was a big deal.
We each had our coping mechanisms ( read = we were all quaking in our boots). We conversed with one another everyday to know what each person was doing to secure their preferred posting or at least reduce the anxiety.
I remember a particular colleague I spoke to. She wasn’t fretting. She said she trusted God to get a good posting. I heard that and went “Yeah, yeah but what are you really doing?” , because that statement to me was gobbledegook Christianese. Now, I was a Christian, but my anxiety was too much realer at the time than my faith. But that was it for my friend. She had no back-up. She was actually trusting God. Crazy, right?
It is said that “If you can worry, you can meditate”. I have an extremely analytical mind and I am (was, I’m working on it) very good at worrying myself nuts about any and everything. This was made worse by my being a control freak cum perfectionist. My version of the above quote was “If you are smart and can think, you would worry.” I mean, what else is an analytical mind supposed to do when faced with a situation he has no control over? At least, worry! I would imagine several hypothetical situations and ask how a person would deal with each. If they didn’t have a cogent answer (which they couldn’t), I wanted them to throw their hands up in despair and let us be miserable together. I dismissed my friend and others who were sincerely trusting God as naive and intellectually weak.
Fast-forward to when we got our posting letters. Now, trust me to have gone behind the scenes and spoken to a few people. I wasn’t going to leave my fate to “God”. I didn’t even know where I wanted to be, but I knew where I didn’t want to be. I was successful in getting what I didn’t want. Some people were pleased by their postings. Some were irate. Some were unsure. But you see my friend who had trusted God? She was posted to the most coveted department available. And she did nothing. Nothing — but trust God.
Now — hold up. I know there are many variables to this type of conversation, and there is a need for balance. With or without trusting, random things do happen. I concede also that one could get what they don’t want and it ends up being the best thing that ever happened to them. That could be God, if you believe in him. Or, just life. You could also get what you thought you wanted, and it ends up being a horrible affair.
I was the intellectual one who had connections and I got a posting that was neither here nor there. I was perfectly fine with this — a medical doctor shouldn’t be working in a financial services company, anyway. And I was working on my migration to Canada so I just wanted a place to lay low while working my way out. My friend who had naively trusted ended up with a large piece of three-tiered cake.
It made me respect her in a new way. The ability to not worry and trust — or to just not worry, requires a type of strength. The rest of us were burning out and talking ourselves sick, but here was someone with a childlike mind that showed itself to be more mature than ours. And I believe it was not just because she got a ‘good posting’ — I wouldn’t know if she is still in that department or if she ended up enjoying it. That’s just a good twist to the plot.
The beauty was in being still and letting things fall where they may.
In believing — sincerely — that God had brought her thus far and that he wasn’t about to leaver her midway. In knowing that regardless of the unpredictable details and the many twists and turns that life may bring, she could still be arrive at a masterpiece. That was my interpretation of the events, and it has stuck with me.
I continued to not be mentally calm when faced with such crossroads, but I am now taking care to be like my friend . To be weak in my strength — trusting and waiting instead of trying to figure everything out on my own. There is something beautiful and honourable about that. Trusting is hard for some of us because we don’t like to feel vulnerable.
God loves it when we trust him. I know this because I know how fuelled I get when I realize someone trusts me and is confident in my ability. How much more God in whose image I was made. It is truly romantic. Nothing screams faith like trust. And nothing screams trust like patience. No wonder Abraham was promised the world. God was like “Nah, it doesn’t get better than this. Which planet do you want — Earth or Mars?“
My friend who trusted was strong. And noble. Not in the way we normally measure strength, but she certainly was. So what else is an analytical mind supposed to do when faced with a situation he has no control over? Be calm. Trust. At least, don’t worry. It’s an ability worth developing. And I’m on that journey. Zen life.
PS: To anyone in that kind of situation, apart from the advice to trust God, I would also ask you not to overthink things. Often, what matters in life is what we do with what we’re given. We can’t always control what we get. Even if you are flung into what looks like a dead-end, go there. Don’t always insist on your way or try to interfere with everything. Have a good attitude. Things can change very quickly. Anyone that’s lived through 2020 knows that :)
