It was November 2019. It was around 10:30pm and I was lying on my bed, writhing in pain.
Emotional pain. I just got my song sent in by my producer, and it sounded horrible. I knew it was poor, and I sent it to a friend and more established artist to review. He was so kind and gentle in his feedback, but there was no denying the truth — this was a poor piece of work.
I was so sad. I remembered the dream of doing this. How the melodies had coalesced in my soul as I sat in third-mainland traffic. How the instrumental had inspired lyrics in my mind many nights before whilst I laid bored on my bed. The excitement that coursed through my veins when I got an approval via email from the original artist to use his beat. Where did this go wrong?
I knew for sure that it went wrong at the recording stage. When you work 8–5pm at a bank job, and then drive through three hours of traffic to record at night, you are unlikely to give your best. When you hurriedly lay the vocals for the song because you are sure you have found your hit that will propel you into the limelight, you are probably not giving your best performance — never mind the part of being deluded. These were retrospective realizations, but they did not stop by heart from being crushed.
I decided to give up on this altogether. I had had past successes in recording and releasing music, but it did not seem to matter. I was ready to wake up from this dream. I lay defeated. I told my friend Angeloh that I was done. He said “Just keep hacking at your craft bro. It’s not easy, but you have to keep hacking.” I slept with a heavy heart.
The next morning, I felt better and decided the song could be fixed somehow. I wouldn’t quit just yet. I would keep hacking. I texted Angeloh I feel better this morning. He replied You should. That was an interaction I would never forget.
Before that, and after that, there have been many moments of feeling terrible and hopeless with this dream of music. There have been times when it’s me against the world, like Can’t anybody else hear how good this is? Is it just me? Moments when you decide to give up. Nobody likes feeling like a failure. But the love of the craft comes back to me at night when the tears have stopped. I prop open my laptop and listen again. I think, This really isn’t bad. What do I need to do to get it the recognition it deserves?
The answer is two-fold. One is Keep Hacking, as Angeloh advised. I soon realized that I was always in a hurry to create, to release, and under the delusion of sudden impact. It almost never works that way in real life. As a matter of fact, accomplished writers have said that they feel sorry for authors whose first books take off because of the way it negatively affects their professional character and the rest of their career. Just keep making little improvements. There are many stories of highly acclaimed achievers like Kanye West and J.K Rowling who were rejected numerous times before they found success. This is more the norm than the exception. I am learning not to take rejection personally, and to just keep hacking.
The second answer is to be prolific. Keep producing more of that stuff. Do one, and then another. Fall in love with the process, and be less concerned with the outcome. Keep your nose buried in the work. Learn to enjoy finishing, and then starting again. Be busy with your own projects. Tyler the Creator said that as much as he loves creating songs, he sees each song is dispensable. Once he runs into issues with one, he discards it and starts another. I was shocked to hear that, because I always hold on so lovingly to each song I create, believing it is ‘the one’. Nobody gets famous for only one output (except one-hit wonders, and you don’t want to be that). Be ready to do it over and over and over again. Think long-term.
How I broke out of the delusion of sudden blow is a whole other article in itself, one I can’t write yet because I am still in the breaking-out process. That’s why it hurts each time I get a rejection, or not get the adulation I think I deserve. This is the process of learning to love the work, and of knowing just how far I am willing to go for it.
Sometimes, a man has to ask himself, Am I a wack rapper? I don’t think so but it sure feels that way atimes. I am faced with that fear and pain but I have to double down and keep hacking. I am reminded of the growth mindset vs fixed mindset. I am good, and I can get better. Tons of artists started out this way. If you don’t quit, you’ll get better.
Be focused. Don’t fantasize how about people who slept on you will feel silly when you’re on top. That is a distracting thought. They are not sleeping on you — get over yourself. Ain’t nobody thinking ‘bout you! Maybe your work just was not good. Maybe it was, but it was not to their taste. Being professional starts with thinking modestly about yourself, and not being overly sensitive about your work. It is about the work, not your feelings. Just get better because you love the art.
Be inspired. Keep looking up to and studying the work of people you admire. You can get there. Reaffirm yourself often, and have modest expectations. Dream big, yes, but at the same time it helps to have modest expectations. That sounds antithetical and I can’t explain further, but it is true. Thank people for listening. They don’t owe you their attention.
In two words, keep hacking.
